I'm sad today

I had a nice long post typed out, and Josh killed the power on the computer on me. He is such a little monster sometimes. I guess I'll re-type my thoughts.

I haven't been feeling well lately. I've been rather melancholy and tired. I've had headaches, been nauseated, and starving. I'm talking hunger pains only an hour after I'd eaten. My mom called and asked if I felt pregnant. A bit of history - she knew when I was pregnant with Josh. She called the day after we had conceived and told me I was pregnant. I laughed at her, but then tested positive 5 weeks later. So anyways, I got a bit excited when she called. I had been feeling it, but was terrified to test. I didn't want to find out that I wasn't pregnant.

I don't know why I want to be pregnant so bad. Maybe it's because James is leaving for Iraq and subconsciously I am terrified something bad is going to happen. Maybe it's because suddenly James thinks we should only have 1 child, and I definitely want at least 2. Maybe it's because I keep seeing pictures of newborns and hearing birth stories. For whatever reason, I was so excited to think I was pregnant.

Of course I'm not. I went today for a blood test, and got a big fat negative. I feel like I want to cry, yet shouldn't, because obviously it's not God's will for us to have another child right now. I've thought about weaning Josh early, so that we can get pregnant before James leaves, but I know that would be selfish and unfair to Josh. He deserves to get the full year of nutrients, and not to be deprived just because mommy wants another baby. I feel guilty for even considering it. I feel sad and empty, and wonder why I have been feeling so strange lately. Hopefully it is just pms, with a bit of depression in anticipation of James' upcoming deployment.